Dear Adam,

I am writing you from Camp Lake Mini-Ha-Ha. I need to get out of here. My appendix exploded and I am bedridden in the nurse’s station. They say that I am fine. BUT I am smarter then these camp counselors. They run around here with their heads up their asses. Can’t even put together a decent ball game. I’ve seen brown-recluse spiders that were more coordinated than these scoundrels.

I don’t think any of them know shit about baseball. If I had the money, I’d buy them all Toronto Blue Jay Jerseys. They’d all fall for that. Especially Mickey. Mickey is an idiot. Mickey is trying to get me out of this bed. Mickey is trying to make me play ball. He has a crush on Laura, another counselor; she is hot. He turns the color of a baboon’s ass every time she comes around. I’ve never seen a bigger wimp. She hangs out with him though. I don’t get it.

Speaking of wimps… how are your beloved cubs doing? You guys need to get rid of Mark Grace. Make him retire. Hang up the bat. Is Sosa still leading the league in strikeouts? There is no TV here. I don’t know what’s going on out there. I kind of like it though. That’s why I’m writing you this letter, no TV! All they have in this room is a bunch of paper and a stack of National Geographics. I read all 20 of them. Its like one page is about Greenland and everyone is killing themselves there and the next page is African titties. My favorite page was about cloning. Ever hear about cloning? It’s when they take some part of you and make a new you. Many of you, if it works. Wouldn’t that be something? Imagine seeing yourself? Talking to yourself? I’d clone 18 of me. That would be a decent ball game.

I think 18 would be the limit though. Anymore and things might get violent. You know how I am with ball. Then Laura wouldn’t come. She doesn’t like violence. All girls don’t, but you know how all girls like to keep clean? She doesn’t. She’s got knots in her hair. She’s always saying she’s got a knot. I like her knots. She is cool.

Mickey doesn’t like the knots. He is always trying to get her into the water. He wants her to have clean hair. You can’t have knots in the water. It undos them. Mickey is all about rules and hygiene. He comes from a big house. He is a pussy. He made me fetch his things once cause I refused to stick my finger up my ass in right field. Look at what I found in his binder of torture.

Her smile is warm enough to turn fall to summer, bright enough to turn winter to spring. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She dwarfs the importance of the worlds biggest obsessions, time & money, and by doing so effortlessly, her value cannot be measured. If everything happens to you before you turn 25, she will be the only thing I remember.

Oh my god fagg-ola.

I’ll be seeing you soon… hopefully. They say I can call my parents this weekend and get out of here. I need a new appendix. Have you guys been egging Patel’s house?


2 Responses to “Dear Adam (by Nick MATSAS)”
  1. Pike Offshore fishing in the great outdoors.. Few things are greater then this, In my very humble belief.

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